here comes my backpack again

I have a mixed feeling about this mongolia trip tomorrow.


for a week I am gonna be freed from work, responsibility, from phone calls, from shopping malls and skyscrapers. One might question, to put a pause on all these daily matters, I must have a good excuse, or at least something a normal 26 year old male would be dying to get (bikini parties, alcohol etc). But no, all i am going to get are grass, mountains, horses, goats, and muttons. I couldnt help but ask myself, ray, wtf are you doing this for? a soul searching trip at this time of the year? are you out of your mind?

Very confusing at one point, i had to set a goal for myself or else i wont be able to enjoy mother nature.

I remember around this time last year, i resigned from my previous pose and was looking for a way out of the mundanity, and since my friend in netherland was just planning a trip to portugal, I thought it was the greatest chance for me just to get off a bit and see the other side of the ocean, and maybe i would be inspired again by the master alvaro siza (well that didnt turn out as expected i am still no master or architecture) But all in all that was a refreshing holiday, being in a city of strangers, observing ways of life in a different speed and angle, talking to like minded travelers in hostels and sharing a few words of wisdom that may or may not last for life. These are all great experience, and time well spent. I came back a new person, getting a job that i always wanted to have but never had the guts to, things were in control, a man full of confidence and was able to take anything down that gets in the way. I remember saying to a very good friend of mine 'I don't know what's happening but things are all going smooth right now, health ( i quitted smoking and started running at that time), a god job, a perfect girlfriend, a peaceful mindset, what have i done to deserve this!'
Obviously good things don't last forever, in fact it didn't even last a winter. I was hit, mostly by my own foolishness. And down i went, and only a few of my very best friends know this, because I have chosen not to demonstrate my failure, i act normal, still self contained, only because I cannot stand the idea of letting this failed, weak person surface again ever in my life.

A ghost that is haunting me, my own fear.

I am going to leave you in the desert of mongolia and come back a brand new man. 8 days are all i can spare unfortunately, but it will have to do for now.

to my soulmate

you're right.. without you I can't stand the 9-ness of being here.

you creepy bastard.



朋友　我當你一秒朋友　朋友　我當你一世朋友
奇怪　過去再不堪回首　懷緬　時時其實還有
朋友　你試過將我營救　朋友　你試過把我批鬥
無法　再與你交心聯手　不竟難得有過最佳損友

從前共你　促膝把酒傾通宵都不夠　我有痛快過你有沒有
很多東西今生只可給你　保守至到永久　別人如何明白透
實實在在踏入過我宇宙　即使相處到　有個裂口
命運決定了　以後再沒法聚頭　但說過去　卻那樣厚

問我有沒有　確實也沒有　一直躲避的藉口　非甚麼大仇
為何舊知己　在最後　變不到老友
不知你是我敵友　已沒法望透　被推著走　跟著生活流
來年陌生的　是昨日　最親的某某

生死之交當天不知罕有　到你變節了　至覺未夠
多想一天彼此都不追究　相邀再次喝酒　待葡萄成熟透
但是命運入面每個邂逅　一起走到了　某個路口
是敵與是友　各自也沒有自由　位置變了　各有隊友


早知解散後　各自有　際遇作導遊
奇就奇在接受了　各自有路走
卻沒人像你讓我　眼淚背著流
嚴重似情侶　講分手

有沒有　確實也沒有　一直躲避的藉口　非甚麼大仇
為何舊知己　在最後　變不到老友
不知你又有沒有　掛念這舊友　或者自己　早就想動頭
來年陌生的　是昨日　最親的某某
總好於那日我沒有　沒有　遇過某某

and it's 1, 2... 3 times and you lose

ran out of luck trying to get anyone to eat with me on a tuesday evening afterwork. So I took a little walk to CWB and sat myself in the god forbidden Hop Fat 茶餐廳, in a 2-person 'car' seat facing the front door. Ordered my food and I sat there staring at the busy street watching the world goes by. Passer-by walking pass the restaurant causing the stupid glass door opening and closing non stop. and I counted to myself 'one, two... three times, aha, you lose'

3 is really a magic number. for example in most sport events, particularly in the field and track races, you are allowed to violate 3 times. In school when I was a little boy, you are allowed to be warned 3 times by prefects before you get sent to the headmaster. when you take pictures people usually count from 1 to 3 before you put up with a right posture and smile. In uni we get 1st interim, 2nd interim before our final presentation, et cetera et cetera.

3 resembles last chance, so basically for most things in life you are allowed to make 2 mistakes before others decide what you're worthy of. Reasonable if you think about it, 1st time okay, if you're not forgiven then probably not even worth trying the 2nd time at all. 2nd time, still learning from mistake I suppose. 3rd time, you are boring others if you're still getting it wrong, a trilogy of wrong doings isn't something people should bare with. so yea, naturally you lose.

I am boring others. does mr.number 4 deserve a 4th go?

recollection 六時五十一分

在清理CD時, 找到了一些舊照片. 

過往自己都喜歡和朋友談話時說說自己的過去, 在宿舍的一段段生活笑話, 學校的鬧劇, 無休的浪漫. 少時的各種敢作敢為, 是我自豪的, 十分嚮往腳不著地的輕.

去鏡一照, 轉眼一個十年, 現在二千有八. 朱穎軒樣子沒多變, 眼神多了幾分凶, 對鏡一笑好像有丁點兒勉強, 面好像瘦了. 他還是在談10年前的事, 就好像回來後發生的不直一提.

不是不想說, 是說不了. 太多的不完全, 說了會很窩心.

當發生了的成為禁忌(taboo),想想也頭痕, 過去強逼地成了空白格. 將來麻, 我本身是完美主意者(perfectionist) (被人誤解是自戀狂(narcissist)), 對現實世界的種種不完善我沒辦法採取觀望態度.

當人對未來沒大期望, 過去亦不想面對, 那肉體內還有什麼哩.

還是去工作, 只有architecture能給我一點安全感(和不安全感), 當我聽到我的心臟在工作室凌晨會在狂烈跳動, 烚時間的'硬食'令我雙腳著地, 原來仲未死得.

為什麼寫中文? 不知道哦, 反正我的身份(identity) 早已經被多次重寫. 唔撚好笑我寫別字就可以喇.

Chelsea

Taking the saturday afternoon off for some Internet reading, and found this pretty looking building. looks kinda familiar and after a few more clicks it was indeed the new campus of Chelsea College of Art in mill bank, a school where I spent a few months doing some random course.

Makes me wanna go back and take a quick tour, check out how the new parts are integrated into the old.

for st.luk

la fille dance

...beautiful